P:TD in the news

Pals make work more tolerable Good relationships help ease troubles, give the job meaning

By Penelope Trunk, Globe Staff
July 23, 2006

Here's some advice for those of you who don't like your job: Maybe your job is not your problem. Maybe it's you, not trying hard enough to make friends at work.

People who have a good friend at work are much more likely to be engaged in their work. Psychologists tell us that social relationships are the single biggest predictor of someone's happiness in life. And people with at least three close friends at work are much more likely to be extremely satisfied with their life.

These are some of the findings Tom Rath reports in his new book, ``Vital Friends: The People You Can't Afford to Live Without." A longtime Gallup Organization employee who leads its workplace and leadership consulting worldwide, Rath draws on more than 5 million interviews conducted by the research and polling organization .

He is clear about what constitutes a good work friend: ``If the person were gone, work would be less fun," says Rath. ``We found that the word `friend' is becoming a generic description, especially at places like MySpace and Friendster, where people have thousands of `friends.' " The friend who can change your work environment is ``someone you spend a lot of time in a relationship with. And you are probably making a difference in that person's life, too."

Nikhil Rajpal of Project: Think Different, a Boston group that aims to promote positive change through music and other media, identified a best friend at work immediately: ``My friend Will and I go to lunch together every day. When work gets tough, the friendship makes it easier to get through the day. When one of us is stressed or has too much work, one of us buys the other coffee and we walk around and talk about it."

So shift focus a bit: Less analysis and pie charts, more casual conversations and long lunches. ``People spend so much time trying to manage themselves. We need to focus more on building relationships," says Rath.

Formal education focuses on mastery of topic areas, and graduate school allows you to focus on your own interests. But ``when it comes to improving our lives," writes Rath, ``it's the energy between two people that makes a difference."

Rath has identified eight friendship roles. No single person can fill all these roles at once, and the fatal flaw people make in relationships is asking that of one person -- often a boss or a spouse. Although some roles definitely fit a boss or spouse well.

A navigator, for example, is someone who is like a mentor. You don't need to have regular conversations , but when you do, they are very meaningful in your life. A connector is the type of friend made famous by Malcolm Gladwell in his book ``The Tipping Point," for being able to give you a network. And a champion is a constant supporter who thrives on your accomplishments and happiness.

Don't get overwhelmed with the task. Three or four friends are enough to help you experience greater satisfaction.

Here are some steps to take: ``First, find someone appropriate," says Heather Mundell, career coach and author of the Dream Big blog. ``When I was in human resources, I had a lot of confidential information, so it was no surprise that I became friends with the executive assistant for the CEO, who also had a lot of confidential information."

On the Internet, where ranting is de rigeur, it would seem that half of all workers are surrounded by idiots. This way of thinking will not find you friends. So be open. ``We like to think we can size someone up in 10 seconds. But often our opinions of people change over time," says Mundell.

Face-to-face time fosters workplace friendships. ``If someone stops by your cube and says, `Do you have few minutes?' it's nice if you do. Be a good listener," says Mundell. ``Over time, problem-solving together and venting will lead to building trust. You should stop by peoples' cubes and shoot the breeze, too."

Find an office that encourages friendships -- the structure of workspaces, the quality of common areas, the size of the well-stocked fridge -- all these factors contribute to making an office full of friendships. Rath found that you are three times more likely to have a close-knit workgroup if the physical environment makes it easy to socialize.

Shared vision and values also encourage friendship. This situation is probably most common at a nonprofit like Project: Think Different. ``Everyone is linked together based on a passion for what we're doing," says Rajpal. ``We all have a strong desire to change messages in pop culture."

What if you're shy? You still need friends. When you find someone you are interested in, the most important thing you can do to make a connection is to let that person know you are in need of a friend, says Sonya Hamlin, author of ``How to Talk So People Listen: Connecting in Today's Workplace." No friendship happens unless one person takes a risk by extending an invitation. You can be that person.

Try memorizing a script to make approaching someone easier. ``Don't say, `We ought to get together sometime.' This is not meaningful because you don't know if the person would like to or not." And with no suggested time, the meeting might never happen. Try saying, ``I really enjoy talking to you. We should have lunch sometime. What about tomorrow?"

This is going to be a big change for most people. Not many people focus on making friends at work. But without a best friend at work, Rath says, you are not very likely to be engaged in your job. So maybe you should put aside advice about finding the perfect job by searching want ads for your calling.

Instead, look for a job and an office that facilitate relationships; friendship is your calling.

Penelope Trunk writes the Brazen Careerist blog at blog.penelopetrunk.com